The Church of Elvis


h1. The First Church of Jesus Christ, Elvis


``For unto you is born this day in the city of Memphis a Presley, which is Elvis the King.’’

And Elvis saw them berating the poor recording artist, whose music was terrible and lyrics insipid, and Lo, the King said unto the mob: `Let him who is without bad singles cast the first rhinestone.’ And the mob turned down their eyes, each considering his own Don’t Worry Be Happy or Man in the Mirror, and shuffled off. `Thank you,’ said Elvis. `Thank you very much.’ And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw seven golden records; and in the midst of the seven golden records one like unto the Son of Zeke, clothed with a jumpsuit down to the foot, and girthed…er…girt about the paunch with rhinestones. His hairs were black like vinyl, as black as Brilcream; and his eyes, how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry… ``Who is this King of Rock-n-Roll? The Lord of Hostess, he is the King of Rock-n-Roll. Shaboom.’’ And Elvis so loved the world that he died, fat and bloated, in a bathroom. He very pointedly did not rise from the dead three days later, but was nonetheless seen across the world by various and sundry housewives. Create your own Ain’t Nuthin’ Butta Hound-Dogmas, but be sure to stay out of the Sacred Heartbreak Hotel, where damned souls twinkle like stars in the night, each a Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love. ``Return, we beseech the, O Lord of Hostess: look down from Heaven, and behold, and visit this mall…’’
A VICAR left his church all shook up after he quit to become a full-time Elvis Presley impersonator. Andy Kelso, 64, claimed he received a message from God to spread the word of The King of rock ’n’ roll. So he ditched his dog collar for a white jeweled jumpsuit and now belts out Elvis classics to packed audiences in pubs and clubs – and even churches. The married father of five, dubbed Elvis Priestley, said: “One day I was out walking the dogs in between church services and I felt God say to me very strongly, ‘Take Elvis to the Church!’ “It was a shock but after one concert there was a lot of interest from churches who wanted to connect with their communities and my tribute act seems to connect. “When I play, the venues are packed out and I’ve not looked back since.” He quit as Reverend at Christ Church in Matchborough, Redditch, Worcestershire, last year after more than a quarter of a century as a Church of England vicar.

Back in the 80s, there was a bizarre rumor that Elvis was still alive. There were a few people who swore they saw Elvis walking around, and these “Elvis sightings” were kept alive by tabloids. A joke went around that there was soon going to be a new religion based on Elvis, because being seen after your death was how Jesus got started.

At least, I thought it was a joke.

I think is was Robert Asprin who finally took it all the way in one of his science fiction books. In one of the “Phule’s Company” series, there’s a religion worshiping “The King,” with followers who had plastic surgery to better resemble their savior.

Though based upon both a real location and real person, the church of the blue suede is in fact a work of fiction. The Church of Elvis is a humorous bent in a world of darkness setting that is normally just that, dark. No disrespect of any religion is meant in its portrayal or usage in my games.

The Church of Elvis

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